End to the New

madness feels funny.

2005-11-17T11:53:19Z

can't sleep. madness feels funny. i've gone insane. i read to go to sleep and them i put down my boom and said 'ok, time for bed.' but i closed my eyes and open they sprang, refusing to close. now i'm here and i can't sleep. man, what i wouldn't give to dream.

korneredkitten @ 2005-11-03T01:50:00

2005-11-03T09:51:32Z

Look at the stars and think of me. some day we'll all realize that when we look at the stars we look at the things we're made of. when we look at the stars what we really see is a reflection of our lives. when we look at the stars we see infinite possibilities. when i look at the stars i see a comfort and a permanence that no human can give. i see history and i see the future. i see and endless spectrum of everything that humans can't feel. i feel safe.

korneredkitten @ 2005-09-12T02:39:00

2005-09-12T09:41:58Z

more things should be open at 1 am. why aren't they? things close at one, but they're not open. it's hurting. i wanted to go to in an out and i discovered that sunday is not a weekend. arg. where else is there to go? denny's? eh, i don't want to sit down. oh geez. sleepy time? maybe? class at 1010...erg.

korneredkitten @ 2005-08-23T12:17:00

2005-08-23T19:18:09Z

shoul di be missing people? should i be sad that i'm gone? should i be feeling anything? i'd like to be feeling something, but i'm not. i think maybe that's odd. i'm not depressed, and i'm not in tat state where you're so unhappy that nothing matters anymore. i'm in my own personal confusion of indifference. i dont really understand it and i'm not going to pretend that i don't like it. maybe it'll take a while for me to start feeling something. maybe when classes start tomorrow.

maybe not.

korneredkitten @ 2005-08-23T00:28:00

2005-08-23T07:31:59Z

so, i'm moved in. into my dorm, that is. it's pretty chill, i guess. i'm still not overly excited, but then again i havent been excited about anything in a long time, but oh well. mmmm...sonic the hedgehog is calling to me...

korneredkitten @ 2005-08-21T04:49:00

2005-08-21T11:54:36Z

i should be sleeping. i mean, really really, i should be sleeping. but i'm not. i fell asleep for like twenty minutes at around 1:30. then i had to run out and track down my sweater. what? ah, well. i think i might be hungry, but i dont feel like eating. humph.

*sings* no more work for margaux, no more work for margaux! well...not till winter break. shit. shleepy, shleepy...

wow, so i havent really had a good night's sleep in weeks. it's odd, but i dont really mind. two is early. maybe i'll sleep at school. HAHA. sorry, i crack myself up.

alright, so, the whole world should come and visit me in san fran. it'll be cool, my roomate will love it...NOT. well, i dont really know. oh shit, gotta grab a poster.

korneredkitten @ 2005-08-17T03:23:00

2005-08-17T10:23:35Z

sleep? what is this sleep you speak of?

korneredkitten @ 2005-08-07T22:56:00

2005-08-08T06:22:14Z

alright, so first off let me say that i am "functioning" on four hours of sleep. usually no biggie, but the fact that yesterday was spent in my own sort of personalized hell known as children's theatre. all day...and i had to do sound. i hate sound. sound is the devil. seven condenser mics, two old mics used for general speaking shit in the theatre, and two body mics in an outdoor venue designed so that the audience is essentially in the middle of the three stages, making it impossible to point the speakers at the audience without picking up outrageous amounts of feedback. AND i was running the first performance for the first time and it was from my computer. my best is supposed to be right, and when i was doing my best to do this and it still wasnt working i just wanted to grab someone and say 'doesnt it understand i'm trying and it should automatically work for me!!’ but i didnt. i suppose that's what i get for teaching myself tech. meh.

alright, i'm pissed. i'd forgotten but i just remembered! i'm so sick and tired of these modern movies trying to convince little boys and girls everywhere not only if you're pretty you'll succeed, but also that the only way that you will ever be happy is if you find someone you 'love'. so then you've got these poor children programmed to begin a lifelong search for something that doesnt even begin to exist, and when they die they're going to die alone and sad and confused, asking themselves why they never found 'love'. only then will they realize that it was all a lie. i'm tired of modern society trying to shove their ideals down these kids' throats. it’s worse because i work so closely with so many children. i mean, i go out and it's almost guaranteed that if it's in santa cruz i will run into a kid between the ages of four and fourteen that i know.

ok. enough bitching.

korneredkitten @ 2005-07-30T23:05:00

2005-07-31T06:14:50Z

people bother me. most of them. most of the time. it bothers me that people blow me off. it bothers me that people underestimate me. it bothers me that people under value me. it bothers me that people assume things about me. people bother me.

sometimes life bothers me too, i suppose.

sometimes i bother me most.

most of the time im afraid the last is the case.

in any case, it's all irrelevent. i've been working too much, sleeping not enough, and drinking far too much coffee for my own good.

i move on the 21st of august.

507B Mary Ward Hall, SFSU campus.

exciting i suppose.

my back itches and i am unbearably unentertained and annoyed.

korneredkitten @ 2005-07-28T01:54:00

2005-07-29T08:57:27Z

i just got home from work. not too long of a day today, becausse i didnt get there until two thirty, so it's all good. woo. anyways.

not really a whole lot to say. i've been working. my tattoo stopped hurting. i need to find and kidnap someone with a digital camera so i can take a picture of it and email it to yself seeing as how i can't look at it well. it's on my back. all of my back.

tired.

korneredkitten @ 2005-07-13T22:40:00

2005-07-14T02:47:29Z

So kids, i think i'm tired. i didnt get to bed until lateish last night and i haven't had a good amount of coffee in a week. that makes for a fairly unhappy kitten. then again, i've just been cranky and bitter recently. i mean, i am amargo. i always have been pretty bitter, but recently i've just been a little raging ball of fire. ah well, maybe it's the nightmares. who know? not i, said the duck.

i'm in boothbay harbor, ME. mum and kevin are out getting smashed, aunt dode is snoring obtrusivly on the cot and i'm considering popping out for a fag. hehe, not the queer kind, silly.

other than that there's really nothing new or exciting to share...so later kids, and dont drink and drive. ;)

korneredkitten @ 2005-07-09T20:38:00

2005-07-10T03:58:52Z

So i'm in Massachusetts. hangin out with family and what not. i hate weddings. i tried really hard to be happy for sarah and to smile the whole time and to convince myself that they were going to be happy and that he's going to be loyal. but i really can't swallow it. they're not going to be together forever like they hope, people rarly are, and they're not going to have the perfect life they want, people rarely do, and i feel like wedding days are often just days on which everyone agrees to ignore truth and logic and pretend like the world is one big happy place. i ccan try and do that, try and give them their day of lies, but in the end it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. congratulations. you lied. *sigh* tomorrow i head to kevin's dads for a bbq, which should be plenty awkward. i ahve a problem with father figured in the first place, and then to be presented with this one hat i've only met once before...he's gonna feel obligated to be nice to me and treat me like a grand daughter. weird. awkward. then my birthday. woo. eh. then boothsbay harbor in maine. i'm excited. i'm visiting mum's old friend todd and his boy lyle. it'll be great. we're suprising them! then we go camping for the reunion! yay! josh is gonna be there! yay! shawn! yay! other people, yay! eh. cant sleep... so bored... eh...

korneredkitten @ 2005-07-05T03:09:00

2005-07-05T10:16:54Z

Pop quiz...what should i be doing right now? time's up. sleeping. woo. good job. yah, yah, yah, i know i'm a fucking freak, such is life.

i hate the fourth of july. i know that makes me a bad person, but oh well. i hate it. i hate fireworks and i hate people feeling as though they have some reason to act like idiots even more so than they normally do and i hate how many people there are outside and the loud noises and i hate the memories attached to it. the fourth of july can shove it.

gar.

i need to find myself a good woman. that's what i need. no more of this crap with men, just a good woman.

gar.

angry kitten.

korneredkitten @ 2005-07-03T03:01:00

2005-07-03T10:08:12Z

i should be sleeping, but am i? i'll give you two guess, and one doesnt count. anyhow.

i suppose i'm tired, i ought to be. i've been working like a mad woman. but i have two days off and i dont think i'm going to know what to do with myself. i have to buy a dress for my cousin's wedding tomorrow and some people have invited e to go bowling, but west wants to do something. maybe he and i can hang out in the evening hours and until then i'll hang out with miranda, desiree and make them come bowling with me, miles and zak and quiggle. ponder, ponder, ponder. somhow i think i've managed to make myself busy on my day off, but if i wansnt i dont think i'de be happy.

i'm going to get my hair cut and coloured on tuesday. i'm excited, i think i want sme purple in there, like purple highights and maybe then i'll stay blonde. although i dont really like my blonde that i am now, i want to go red again, but i think i'd rather go purple then red. oh god, i'm rambling.

korneredkitten @ 2005-06-28T01:48:00

2005-06-28T08:50:31Z

well kiddies, i suppose it's been quite a while since i've updated. oops. for all of you who didnt know, i was in north carolina for two weeks. i left pretty abruply, so dont feel bad if i didnt tell you i was leaving.

working again. like i'm ever not. it's nice though, it gives me something to focus on that isn't life. i dont approve of life. well, i suppose i do. i mean, i registered for classes at SFSU. not a class before 11, which makes me happy. i'm looking for a job for when i get there, but apparently Pisces moon is moving up there too, but it's a big town, maybe i'll never see them.

I FOUND NEW GELS! a whole box of them! can you beleive it? i'm so excited, it completly made my day. i was taking inventory for the summer and i had just finished with the cabinets when i looked over and what do i see but a box that say "ROSCO" on the front, along with handwritten words that say "Pisces moon gels" (which roughly translated means "margaux's gels") woo! so i open the box, expecting maybe a sheet of bastard amber and a daylight blue and what do i find but a whole spectrum of gels! ...now i need gel frames...

I'm so fucking stoked, i'm going to cash my checks this weekend and stock up for the summer. shopping list includes:
1 role gaffers tape
1 role duct tape
4 roles of various spike tape
1 cescent wrench
1 light bulb for my light board

some people by clothes for school, i buy tape.

Ignore the smoke and smile

2005-05-29T06:09:39Z

ahoy kids, been a while. i've been a smidge-bit busy with life and work and boys and what-not. i graduate on friday. i will be temporarily done until i work, then i get a vacation, then i work then i get a shorter vacation, then i move to San Francisco (which i'm going to have to learn how to spell, preferablly before i move there.

alright, i know what i want for my birthday, tickets to see Phantom on Broadway and a trip to an art museum. that's it. haha, i say 'that's it' like it's an easy thing. ah well, a girl can dream, can't she? in the meantime i bought Phantom on video yesterday and have watched it three times since then. god i'm a loser. you know, if the phantom were a real person and not just a character i would leave everyone i've ever been with for him. fuck christine. gar.

well, i didnt really have anything interesting to say, except for the fact that i've done nothing all day and feel horribly slothful...i like it. *does a dance because i weasled my way out of work today*

korneredkitten @ 2005-05-09T22:34:00

2005-05-10T05:38:41Z

do you ever wake up in the middle of the night and have to whisper to no one but yourself that it will all be ok?

korneredkitten @ 2005-05-04T18:18:00

2005-05-05T01:18:52Z

i, for once, do not need to be sleeping right now. woo! in the meantime, i'm a smidgebit confuzzled, but it's ok. i'll live. i've whittled my work load down so that i'm not doing very much any more. just three show, i beleive. that is if the santa cruz one is done. i hope it is, i've been there for too long, devoted too much to a high school play i'm not in. but hey, i was asked to, and i'm not able to say no...ever...i should probably wrk on that.a fleeting image passes by and again you have to wonder what to do when there's nothing left. you're not dead inside because you're not allowed to be, you're not really alive because you can't find a reason why. an image comes back, it taunts you in sleep, dreams come in waking snippets as you run past your future, and you keep running, keep reaching, keep wanting, keep praying because you know you have to, there's nothing better to do. aloof and remote you meander into the bars of your mind and bounce back, only to hit the other side. blah blah blah.

korneredkitten @ 2005-04-01T23:19:00

2005-04-02T07:40:43Z

yes, so, what would an entry be without opening saying i really ought to sleeping. i'm slightly exhausted. you know, sometimes a take things too much for granted. For example, those wonderful rare times when the majority of my brain is occupied with something or other. i'm really ok if i'm thinking about something, if i'm reading, activly talking to someone. and then comes a lull in the conversationg, the end of a chapter, and i'm right back into my dark thoughts. like now, i'm not doing anything so i'm once again inclined to go into my corner and hide for a bit. it's not that i actually want pity when i hide in my corner, or attention, or for anyone to talk to me, or touch me...i just want to sit there and read, is that so much to ask? just to be left alone? since when is that an awful request?

korneredkitten @ 2005-03-13T01:36:00

2005-03-13T09:38:06Z

In the end, Christopher Robin left Pooh behind...

korneredkitten @ 2005-03-12T01:44:00

2005-03-12T09:31:59Z

i just spent far too much time trying to figure out how i could get a webpage built. who ^fucking cares. well, i care, but who else? i cant update my site now. it pisses me off immensely. i dont understand. i'm not a computer genius like some people. i hate not understanding things...

i swear i almost had an aneurysm today. my blood pressure is back down to 88bpm now, but it was at 104bpm. ack! and why? because of a ^fucking light plot. Cindy wants thirteen specials...THIRTEEN...and that's not including the main stage general. now, you know, there is really no limit to my imagination, but there is a limit to our money and the ^fucking POWER of the building. Cindy was talking about renting a different board, like a 16-channel board or something, which i was fine with, i'm not running the things, just designing them. but when i went and talked to the guy at the theatre today he told me that the dimmer could only hold twelve channels, but that he had a 24 channel board, but that it still wouldnt do any good. so, we have a board, but no dimmer packs into which to plug the extra 12 channels. so i call Cindy and tell her this and she says 'so we're gonna have to rent dimmer packs?' that's insanely expensive and i dont know if we can afford that, so then she asks if we can use the dimmer packs we have a the school.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
our dimmer packs are these itty bitty things that hold eight channels per pack and even then they only have enough power to support one fresnel per channel, even though there are two plugs. we'd have to use pars or maybe household reading lamps in order to be able to plug in two units per channel, and i have no idea if even one of the channels and hold just one Ellipsoidal, because i dont remember what the respective voltages are, and it's not like i can use an ellipsoidal in the space i have at school anyways, because the space is too ^damn small. on top of that, our system is an edison system and their is some crazy older system, so we'd have to rent adapters, and then i dont even know if we could get the dimmers wired with their dimmer. Cindy said that maybe we could use our board too, and just plug into an outlet and have two light board ops. TWO LIGHT BOARD OPS? WHAT? ~~were you dropped on your head as a child, woman?~~ i dont say no to many things, mainly because i cant, but i am putting my foot down. we WILL NOT have two light ops on this show, or any other i have any say in. Now i have to see if i can get the affect Cindy wants with the gobos we bought. she wanted two lights for every design, so that's two gobos in two ellipsoidals...and a ^fuck load of power. if i t were on special like that, ok. two, sure. three, eh. four, you're pushing it. but FIVE?!?
FIVE!
what the hell? i'm not harry ^fucking hudini! alright, so that’s five channels gone, with nine ellipsoidals. that leaves me with 6 channels to fit four more specials, light a ramp, and a 27 long by 30 wide stage. hmmm...^FUCK. ~~Design it yourself, crazy bitch~~

so after all this, i had to go to work. so now i'm tired, and i'm not sleeping (it seems to be a trend with me). you may say 'get the hell off the computer margaux, why are you updating your lj when you could be sleeping?' well, because whenever i get off this computer, be it now or at four, i am going to read my book and probably about seven or eight poems by miss emily dickinson. so even if i got off now it wouldnt be to be going to sleep. odd, eh?

i'm going to LA next week. i leave on thurs. it's for the thespian conference. i'm performing two monologues. one from As You Like It. Jacques "a fool, a fool, i met a fool i'th' forest..." and the other is a much more fun one from Dangerous Liaisons (the show i'm stage managing) from the character Madame de Merteuil. "when i first came out into society i'd already realized the role i was condemned to, namely to keep quiet and do as i was told, gave me the perfect opportunity to listen and pay attention. Not to what people told me, which was naturally of no interest to me, but to whatever it was they were trying to hide..." ahh, good times, i love being scary people. mmm, so much fun. and i'm going to try and get into the tech staff for the all-state show. I WANT TO PLAY WITH THEIR LIGHTS!

until about a year ago i wasnt comfortable sitting silently in a car with someone. it always felt uncomfortable. and sometimes it still does, but not nearly as much. this is because when in the care with west we dont always talk. that's fine with both of us, if we dont have anything to say, i dont see why the silence ought to be filled with some mindless drivel. i told him that today and i got a good reaction. but he pointed out that with the two of us there are two kinds of silences, as there may be between good friends. one where we a comfortably silent, and another when he knows i'm quiet because i'm beating myself. vigorously. painfully. thoroughly. that's what i was doing today. i thought it was an interesting and note-worthy revelation.

ok. book time. woo!

korneredkitten @ 2005-03-05T22:41:00

2005-03-06T06:54:23Z

Body: You bitch! stop working so much!

me: I'm sorry body, that's not an option.

Body: Alright, alright, i understand, resposibility and what-not, but could you please try and not worry about other people so much? It really hurts me.

me: I'm sorry body, that's not an option.

Body: Alright, alright, i understand that too, i mean, i know that you care about people and so worry, but could you do so in a less active way, maybe? i mean, you dont have to bend over backwards for the whole world, do you?

me: you're exaggerating, now stop being a little bitch and deal with it.

Body: Fine, i tried to reason with you and you left me with no choice. FUCK YOU.

so, my eye is recovering. it looks worse, but before it was red from about the top of the eyeball to the beginning of the bottom eyelid, now it's just the white that can be seen that's red. a little blood looks like a lot more than it is. funny how that works. its a lot like when you put a drop of anything on a slide and then put the little glass thingy on top of it, it looks like a whole lot more, but it's still just one drop. meh.

i get days off soon, i think. maybe next monday. that will be exciting, if not a little disconcerting. what will i do with myself? it'll be insane.

i need to find a way to work tomorrow. woo, that will be fun...

my head kind of hurts, i think maybe i should go lay down and read.

the other day i was at the hole in the cliff with daniel and we had strategically sat in a spot where we could see the waves coming up through the whole and crashing on top of the cliffs, but not get soaked by them, and all of a sudden the mother of all waves comes out and says 'bitches, i dont think so' and saoks us both. i manages to get the brunt of the wetness. it reminded me why i dont go swimming in this water...its COLD and DIRTY. i think that was near the place where they recently found the dead guy. are you aware that they find 3-5 bodies off of the coast of Santa Cruz every year? they've found three already this year. creapy, eh?

korneredkitten @ 2005-02-26T23:24:00

2005-02-27T07:32:00Z

you know, i am a relativley small person, and there's only so much i can handle. maybe i would be able to do more if i could sleep. or breathe. or think. but no, that's a little too much to ask, i think.

I'm going to San Fran for college. in case you wondered/cared.

little far from home, you may be thinking. but that's where you're wrong, i don't have a home anymore.

i haven't fought in far too long. i want to fight someone. someone not kevin. i miss it. i'm like a recovering addict. haha

my insides are in dissaray. fun, huh?

meh, i quit.

korneredkitten @ 2005-01-30T03:09:00

2005-01-30T11:26:16Z

Does a person ever really get away from drama? i had hoped that maybe, when i moved to california i would be able to remove myself from such petty bullshit as i am now seeing unfold before me, but what's happening? petty bullshit drama, that's what's happening. can't people just get over it and move the fuck on? maybe if people didnt get so damn attached in such inconvenient ways then there would be less drama in the world and i would be a much happier person. maybe it people learned to 'take thing with a grain of salt' or treat things as 'water off a duck's back' or GET THE FUCK OVER IT AND STOP WHINING LIKE LITTLE JACKASSES then things would run much more smoothly. or maybe drama does not naturally unfold in such quantities, maybe i invoke the drama. maybe it's a sign that it's me causing it. maybe...maybe...so i ask again, does anyone every really get away from drama?

on to another type of drama. after my six hour build day today i decided that three shows is too much at one time. now, discovering that, realizing that, and acknowledging that does NOT mean that i wont do it again. and that is the real problem. :) but two of the three end in a week, but the fourth one begins on saturday...*ponders* so normal people have time to breathe? maybe i should schedule that in...hmm...

i'm writing my tech resume for the thespian conference. I WANNA PLAY WITH THE MOVING LIGHTS! yah, it's fun. i wish i had some pictures of my designs to show them, but i've never really worried about a resume before now. ah well, such is life, verdad?

so, it seems appropriate for me to say that i really should be sleeping right now, especially with the noticeable LACK of sleep that happened last week, but what can i do if i can't help it? i noticed that the less sleep i get the worse my dyslexia gets. and not just the normal number shit, but words too, it's driving me CrAzY. but oh well, it just makes things more interesting.

Silly rabbit, tricks are for kids.

Silly rabbit, kids are for tricks.

Silly rabbit, trids are for kicks.

hmmm, maybe if i lay down and read my book and pretend like i can sleep, i'll fool my body into sleeping.

and dont forget the moral of the story kids:

Water Off a Ducks Back

korneredkitten @ 2005-01-13T19:49:00

2005-01-14T05:05:10Z

No comprendo por qué personas que yo sabía cuando vivía en Carolina del Norte y nunca les hablaba llamarme ahora, cuando tengo dos obras de teatros y trabajo y Dios sabe qué más. Tengo que estar preocupada con universidades y mi casi-novio y mi amiga y dinero y mi dolor de la cabeza y qué lo significa. ¡NO TENGO TIEMPO PARA PERSONAS QUÉ SÓLO ME HABLABAN DOS TIEMPOS! Claro que sí, siempre puedo hacer tiempo para David, o James o Sally o Manda, o más, ¡pero para personas que no se había querido! ¡No!

Antes de yo contesto mi teléfono, miro a quien me llama. Si no sepa quién es, usualmente no lo contesto. En generalmente si quiero hablar con alguien, tengo su numero telefónico. Siempre escuchar a mis mensajes, entonces si alguien me llame y no lo contesto, pero quiero hablar con ellos y me salga un mensaje, puedo llamarles. ¡Ay! Divago.

No sé por qué haya personas que quieren hablar a mí después de dos años. ¿Qué hice a ellos tan importante que valga una llamada telefónica al azar? Me siento bien para la atención, pero aún tengo cosas tengo que hacer antes de mi vida social. Verdaderamente si alguien esté mi amigo, van a esperarme. Pues, ojalá que sí...

Lo quesea, tal vez yo pueda desaparecer y ¡puuf! Todos mis problemas desaparecen también. O tal vez yo tenga la culpa para el ‘drama’ en mi vida. Porque lo había en Carolina del Norte también. O, si yo quiera ser barata yo puedo decir que soy una imán para el drama, y dondequiera yo vaya, el drama va a seguirme. Bla, bla, bla. Soy una de la minoría que acepta la responsabilidad de nos acciones. Por eso, también acepto más que necesito para los estúpidos que no lo hace. Lo reconozco, pero no hago nada. Pero, largo cuento corto, yo no puedo quejarse a conciencia cuándo yo sé que ¡hay otras personas con vidas mucho peor que mío! No tengo la justificación.